I had my first "serious" boyfriend when I was 13. His name was Andy, and he was about as geeky as geeky gets. Of course, at the time, I thought he was totally cool, yo, because he had a car and was in a band. It was right around this time that I started going round the "bad girl" bend, and Andy was just about the antithesis of "bad." Painfully obedient, achingly, boringly sweet, Andy was just an all around good kid. I was with him for about a year and a half.
As an aside, I met up and shot some pool with him about a year ago, and Jesus God was this kid BORING. And ugly, for that matter. What did I ever see in him?
Next up was Ryan. Poor, sweet Ryan. Ryan wasn't exactly what you'd call a good boy; he was mad emo and "punk", and as such was totally rebellious and didn't care about the man, man! Still, he was a nice kid, and wouldn't ever hurt anyone. At that time, I was a total asshole. To everyone. I picked fights with kids at school whenever I could, ran away from home and slept in fields to prove how badass I was, cheated on poor Ryan to no end, and basically was an all around C. Ryan put up with me for about 8 months.
Cue Dylan. The baby daddy. Dylan and I were just about even on the asshole scale, and that's pretty much all I'll say about that.
Next, as I started cleaning my act up, bit by bit, was a series of casual "boyfriends," each one more lawless than the last, in their own ways. First was BJ, who was a certified sociopath. Then Phil, who did more drugs than anyone I've known to date, and finally, Nik. Ah, Nik, who I love more than breath, but who has an arrest record that puts Robert Downey Jr. to shame.
Ok, I'm not listing all these boys to show you the notches on my lipstick case or whatever, I've got a point, I promise. Here's what I'm getting at: I noticed this morning that when I was a fucked up, badass chick, I gravitated toward the nice boys that I could emotionally beat down and corrupt. The more I got my shit together, the more I gravitated towards men who could do the same to me. This is...unhealthy, no?
But wait! I'm not totally fucked up anymore. Maybe I was 3 years ago, but it's different now. Now, I have my shit together, I'm totally law abiding, and for all intents and purposes, so is my boyfriend. He may have been somewhat "hardened" when I met him, (if by "hardened," you mean "Criminal") but, aside from the recent snag, he's got most of his shit together now. I like good boys now! Seriously, I do! But a girl can still fantasize, right?
Because today, when I was thinking about the next, and last, in the series of hearings related to Nik's case, I remembered that he told me he has to appear as a prisoner in custody, cuffs and all. And when I pictured my sweet, loving, supportive boyfriend in handcuffs, I could feel my body react. Dude...that's hot.
So my point* is, even though I'm a "good" girl, who wants a "good" boy, I still sort of think that the badass side of a man, my man, is ridiculously hot.
*In case you haven't noticed, when I say "point," I really mean "rambling, unsupported and foolish nonsense that totally draws no parallels between one thought and the next." Thank you very much, good bye.
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