“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.”

I am so goddamn frustrated. I am furious with myself...for being furious. For allowing anger and spite to let me believe that estrangement from my family was ok. Justified, righteous, even. I feel like my grief and grudges have finally turned-tail and smacked me right in the face.

I turned my back on my family in the wake of what were then grievous mistakes. I ostracized my aunts and uncles and cousins, even my own mother, from my life. Now someone is dead, others are sick, and the damage might be so deep that it's too late. How easily it all could have been solved if one person, just one was willing to bend at the right second. Was willing to flex to accomodate someone else, just that one time. How much could have been prevented if someone, me, anyone, had just said "I'm sorry"?

I feel horribly alone. My heart aches because I want to be with my family. Until my apologies are heard, though, and maybe not even then, that's not possible. I feel small and sad and scared, all over again. The fact that this heartache is 50% grief and 50% guilt is all the worse, because I can only turn it inward. I am sorry, so, so, so, so fucking sorry.

Comments

[shinewithu]

I am just a passer by.

There is nothing greater than unconditional love from one's family. You might have been forgiven although you haven't apologize to them. Just do it. Just go. Just get back to them and take it from there. It will all naturally come out. Don't underestimate the power of love and forgiveness from your love ones. I would hate to see someone repeating my mistake.

They might be praying and wishing that you were there right now.