You guys. Wow. Just...wow.
For the first time in so fucking long, the tears leaking out of my big stupid eyes are not ones of despair or desperation...they're ones of gratitude. Big, fat, sloppy tears of gratitude to a plethora of women who have never met, heard, or spoken to me...women who came here on the direction of one other amazing woman, and just oooooozed support.
How fucking awesome is that?
For the, like, two people who didn't come here from the Smackdown , here's what happened.
I wrote the "Asking for Help" post. After a brief internal debate, I decided to send it to this woman to put in the aforementioned advice column. That woman there, Miss Amy, got back to me right before the Friday Smackdown. And dude, can I tell you, for just one second, how totally fucking starstruck I was? DUDE. AMY STORCH. FROM AMALAH. WAS EMAILING ME. WTF. Seriously, I was a lil flustered. Um...anyway. Pretend I'm still cool.
Amy responded and told me she'd be posting the smackdown along with her answer in a little bit. An hour later, I refreshed my google reader. The Smackdown was up, complete with a link to this site. I logged into Typepad, headed to the control panel like I always do, and my fucking jaw dropped. 300 some hits. In less than 10 minutes. And comments. Dude! Comments! I NEVER get comments from people that aren't related to me! And it was all sweet, and supportive, and oh my god you people are awesome.
I had the intake appointment this afternoon.
To clarify: This isn't full inpatient. Starting Tuesday, I will be in therapy from 9AM-3PM during the week, for up to two weeks. They call it "Acute Partial Hospitalization."
I hate initial appointments. I hate that it's little more than listing all the things that are wrong for me for the better part of two hours. It's just draining.
The facility is the one where I usually go for my medication checks. It's extremely reputable, and while I've run into a few snafus and personnel with which I was less than thrilled, overall I'm happy with the place. It's "day area" is not unlike any of the other half dozen that I've attended, and that kind of depresses me a bit. A part of me feels like I've come full circle - back to the same old shit I was doing when I was 15, you know? But the other part of me felt hopeful.
The last two days have been full of support and encouragement. My fiance, my mother, my friends, my job, and now you ladies. While there remains a part of me that has never felt so scared and alone, there's also this part, a newer part, that feels like I've got a whole cheerleading squad behind me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. To Amy, to AlphaMom, to all of you who came here and read my story and screamed and cheered your support. You are all beautiful and sexy and have nice hair (of course you do! You read Smackdown!) and I am phenomenally grateful to you all.
You go, girl. You are strong and smart. Remember that.
Yes, I'm another Amalah reader, and I have no advice to offer - just a warm, friendly handclasp from a stranger.
My husband's been struggling with depression and I had No Idea for so long. Going for help - the right kind of help, the help that's needed - is the bravest, most amazing thing that you can do.
Warm wishes from Vermont.
Posted by: Liz | January 18, 2008 at 08:59 PM
Actually, I have awful hair, but it's because I ignore the Smackdown hair advice. And I'm poor. And lazy.
But, whatever, this sounds like such a good step for you! Best wishes for feeling really, really awesome in a week or so!!
Posted by: superblondgirl | January 18, 2008 at 09:23 PM
Hi, another Amalah reader. I've struggled to overcome depression too, and I know what you're going through! I know that getting help doesn't feel great - you have to meet new people, tell them all the things you don't want ANYONE to know, wonder if they can even help - but please know that you have been incredibly strong and brave already. Please hang in there a little longer!
I'll be thinking of you. Things will get better - even if you can't imagine it. I'll believe it for you until you can.
Good luck from Washington (the state).
*hides from goopy comment*
*even though I firmly believe everything in goopy comment*
Posted by: Erica | January 18, 2008 at 09:29 PM
Is this the official meeting place of the Advice Smackdown Get-your-hair-skin-and-sh*t-together club? Can I get anyone any refreshments??
Hang in there, girl! I'm a first-time reader, and I just have to say,if you're this sweet and funny while in the midst of suicidal depression, nothing is going to stop you! Sending you good vibes from Escondido, CA...and if you ever need someone to talk to, drop me a line anytime!
Posted by: DebbieS | January 18, 2008 at 10:38 PM
I got here like almost everyone else before me in the comments of your past 3 posts, and I will be repeating things you've heard at least 200 times already; but just wanted to tell you that I think you're really brave and that doesn't mean you're not scared of something, it means you push forward through it ANYWAY. You're choosing a better life for yourself and that is something to be so proud of. Take care of you and I'll be sending you lots of positive vibes from Chicago.
Jules
Posted by: bigpikchur.blogspot.com | January 19, 2008 at 10:58 AM
I think you are super brave for making the decision to get treatment and to speak to your boss. It sounds like you are surrounded by some pretty awesome people.
Good luck!
Posted by: Aimee | January 19, 2008 at 09:09 PM
Nothing to add except what everyone else said: depression is brutal and you're exactly right to do what it takes to get better.
Posted by: Alanna | January 20, 2008 at 07:22 AM
Just wanted to lend a little more virtual support and kudos for doing what you know is right to take care of yourself.
Posted by: Melinda | January 20, 2008 at 05:09 PM
Another visitor from the lovely Amalah's Smackdown. I've been where you are and wanted to add another voice to your cheering section. Go beat back the nasties with a big stick (and some good meds).
Posted by: lizneust | January 20, 2008 at 07:41 PM
Another visitor from the lovely Amalah's Smackdown. I've been where you are and wanted to add another voice to your cheering section. Go beat back the nasties with a big stick (and some good meds).
Posted by: lizneust | January 20, 2008 at 07:43 PM
I am so glad you are getting to do this for yourself. So many people are too afraid to ask for help and admit they can't handle it all. I hope this will be exactly what you need to get back on track. We will be cheering for you but ultimately you are doing this for you.
Posted by: Someone Being Me | January 20, 2008 at 08:23 PM
Good luck.
Add me to the many who are pulling for you and wishing you well. YOu're bravely doing the right thing.
Posted by: Stacy | January 20, 2008 at 10:51 PM
Go -- get that help -- and hold that great little head of yours high in the sky because you know you can. All the best and I am sending you some shiney happy thoughts to fill your day. GB
Posted by: kr | January 21, 2008 at 01:19 PM
Hugs from Quebec!
Posted by: Kristin | January 21, 2008 at 04:23 PM
Wherever we came from (Smackdown or otherwise) we all have one thing in common: We believe in you. You are doing something healthy, proactive, and very very tough, and that should be the first thing you think about when you walk through the doors of that program. You go get 'em, and know that for what it's worth, all of us out here in the blogworld are right behind you. Good luck from North Carolina! --Annie
Posted by: Annie | January 21, 2008 at 08:05 PM
I am so proud of you. We all are. when you are depressed EVERYTHING is so effing hard. Getting out of bed is more than impossible. The fact that you were able to reach out for help is amazing. It took more energy than I am sure you knew you had - and faith. You trusted your company and your family - and hell, even all of us that don't know you, and I want you to know what a gift that was to us. Thank you for asking us what we thought, for trusting our advice, for listening to us when all you wanted to do was give up.
I am glad you didn't give up. It is nice to have you here.
Posted by: Charlise | January 22, 2008 at 12:27 PM
I'm here via Amalah to cheer you on.
You can do it!
Posted by: mdvelazquez | January 22, 2008 at 01:46 PM
Thank you for being so real and brave enough to post about your situation. It gives me strength to see what you've been through and how you're steering yourself in the right direction. I'm so happy your workplace is being so wonderful, too. Best wishes to you and your family.
Posted by: Jen | January 22, 2008 at 03:37 PM
I came here via Amy/Amalah/Smackdown, also, but I wanted to say bravo to you for getting the help you need and deserve. Depression sucks a big one, and I have fought the battle you are fighting now and I fully believe you can kick it's ass! :)
Best of luck to you and best wishes!
Posted by: Angela | January 22, 2008 at 05:55 PM
Hi there:) I just discovered your blog and wanted to thank you for posting about this. You will help more people than you know.
Posted by: Amy | January 23, 2008 at 05:09 PM