I wish I still wanted to be a storm chaser

Lately, Nik and I have been having a lot of discussions and decision-making sessions regarding school and our life goals. Nik has most of his stuff figured out - what he wants to do, where he wants to go, both in life and in school, whereas am I hot mess regarding my entire plan.

One minute, I want to stay in my industry, get a degree in risk management, flourish, go to law school and practice boring old insurance law for a huge corporation, make hundreds of thousands a year in a suit, behind a desk. I want to stay at my job now, keep plugging away at night classes, and stay comfortable in my 9-5, 30 mile commute, pseudo-yuppie status.

The next minute, I want to kick this job to the curb, take whatever position will pay me enough to keep food on the table but also let me take full time day classes, and take the time to figure out what I really want.

I think mostly want I want - is to know what the fuck I want. Sometimes I think I know, last week I knew, but the second an opportunity flips in my face to change things, I start to question myself. Like I said, last week I was SURE I wanted to stay in this job and continue to flourish. This week...maybe I just want to work nights, go to school, be home with my kid during the day. Maybe I want to get out of an office setting for a while. I could always come back to risk management if I wanted to. I'll always have the experience on my resume, I'll always have good references. Maybe I just want some time.

Something has really been digging into my psyche lately. I may be well-paid considering my age - but the fact remains that for my position and experience, I'm still underpaid. That's not the problem, though, the problem is that despite the fact that I'm not really in a position where I'm expected or paid to care that much, I take my job home with me every day. I think about it constantly. I wonder about what needs to be done, I worry about problems that aren't my care or responsibility. This doesn't seem ok to me. It seems that if I'm going to have a job that I stress about like that, it should be something that makes me truly happy, something where I'm more than an assistant.

I don't know what to do. I'm so terrified of making a mistake, of regretting my choices. I constantly wonder, though, if I was really happy here, would I keep having to ask myself if I'm happy here?

Any thoughts?

Comments

[judi]

i wish i knew or had answers but i think everyone knows that has to come from within. like you have to just get to *that* point where it finally comes together even if you've known it along, even if someone wiser said it six months ago, or something like that.

but i'm in the EXACT.SAME.SPOT. with my life and job. and my feelings about the path i want to go down seems to change minute to minute, and that seems a little ... well, pathetic, to me. i'm 26 years old, why don't i know yet?!

i think it's that so much of our lives, so many of our decisions get made for us - all that schooling just one after the other, and you have no choice in the matter. then you stop and you're first confronted with decisions. to some they come easily, but nobody addresses what to do when they don't just fall into your lap and seem like the obvious solution.

i know this is ridiculously long ... i wish i knew, too. i really, REALLY do. i hope you have some luck figuring it out, maybe it'll give hope to someone like me or anyone else who feels like they're in a similar career type rut.

[Renee in Seattle]

I'm 38 now, and can honestly say that whatever path you choose, you will, at some point, look back and imagine what your life would be like had you chosen the other path, perhaps with some regret, perhaps not. Therefore, whatever you choose, embrace it, so you can give it your all.

To make the decision you are describing, I used these criteria: What are my goals in life? What are my dreams for my child/children? Which path helps me accomplish these goals and dreams? Both? Only one?

For me, having a clear vision of what I wanted for my children made my decision very easy. If I waver(ed), I would look forward to that and remember why I chose the way I did.

[meleah rebeccah]

wow. "I think mostly want I want - is to know what the fuck I want"

Is EXACTLY where I am in my life and Im 33.

[Dating Trooper]

"I think mostly want I want - is to know what the fuck I want."
Well said. You are certainly not alone on this one. When I was immersed in a similar bitch session with one of my friends, she shared this wonderful piece of advice, courtesy of her father:
Every decision can be undone - except children.

I don't think "undone" is the right word necessarily, but the point is good. Just because you make a "choice," doesn't mean you have to keep that decision for the rest of your life. Change your mind, experiment. There is no ONE path and we are lucky to live in a time when we are allowed to explore several. You may waste some time and/or money in doing so, but the fact is that it's your life so do what you want. Good luck!