Oh, decisions

Two in one day. Lord, how lucky you are.

Because my doctor is apparently above returning phone calls to insurance companies, I am temporarily without my anti-depressant. I have the other meds, but that one is one that my insurance company won't even dispense without pre-authorization. Bureaucratic bullshit.

At any rate, he warned me last week that, if for any reason I went off it, I would notice the effects immediately.

I got my feelings hurt tonight. It was no big deal, and probably not important at all, but it hurt my feelings all the same. When I got so upset that my eyes welled, I tried to remind myself that it was mostly the lack of medication at work. It was then that I realized that - yes, the lack of medication was the reason I was feeling sad. But, was it the reason I was feeling anything at all?

What I mean is that, over the past few weeks, I haven't felt depressed, suicidal, sad or disappointed much. But really, I haven't felt anything much at all. I've had flashes of annoyance, but no real happiness or excitement or anything else, either. Tonight I realized that the medication wasn't just "treating" me, it was "dulling" me, too.

I saw a number of other positive and negative effects of being off it today. These include..

POSITIVE:

No tremors. I can type! And write! WITH A PEN!
I can keep a thought in my head long enough to write something vaguely coherent.
Less jittery.
More motivated to do things other than work.
More desire to connect with people

NEGATIVE:

More emotional, less rational
Less motivated to do real work
More tired

Each of these is equally important to me. I don't want to feel/not feel any of these, and I can't pick which ones are more important. Also not helping things is the fact that when I'm on the anti-depressant, I don't care that I have no real relations anymore. I don't interact with anyone, really. My friends and I don't talk or connect much, and my boyfriend and I barely acknowledge each other half the time. I don't like this, and I know it's partially caused by the medicine, but at least I don't care then. When I'm off it, I feel painfully lonely, but I don't become magically equipped with the knowledge to fix it either. Besides, half the reasons for these rifts are partially out of my control.

So what do I do? Stay off, or go back on when my doc eventually gets around to returning phone calls? What would you do?

Comments

[superblondgirl]

I'd look into another medication - my husband is bipolar and was on Lithium for a while, which made him numb. No ups, no downs, no nothing. Shaky, tired, etc. He switched to Lamictal and it works for him - he still has ups and downs like a "normal" person and there's less shakiness, etc. etc. Sometimes it's just not a good fit for you and you have to tweak that part of the regimen until you find something better. I'd definitely talk to your doctor about it.

[judi]

i would definitely find something ELSE, then, and i really hope for your sake that you find the right combination that works. from things i've read on the subject (more than a little, but i'm no expert), it's about trying different things until you find what works -- there are SO many other options out there. i think when it comes to your health and well-being you do not have to compromise. good luck!

[Hoe]

(I found your site from the smackdown and have been lurking)

I third the suggestion to find something else. Speaking from experience, I've often felt fine the first few weeks after going off of an anti-depressant and then had it hit me full force later. Like a mack truck. That shit stays in your system for a while, so when it finally washes out, you can find yourself feeling just as bad, or even worse than when you first went on it.

But, if you're not happy, you're not feeling anything, you've got nasty side effects... that means that something has to change. The first doc who ever prescribed something for me put me on Celexa. I was like you, I didn't feel anything. It also made me want to sleep all the time. I complained and he said, "wanting to sleep all the time is better than wanting to cry all the time" and refused to let me change things up. Jackass.

Because he wouldn't listen, I stopped seeing him and I stopped taking my medication. This probably wasn't smart, but I was only 18 and didn't know any better. I weaned myself off of the Celexa and things seemed ok, but it all came back later and then some. I really wished that I had talked to an understand doctor about alternatives.

Eight years later, I'm not on any meds anymore, but it was a long and arduous process. Best of luck with everything. This shit ain't easy!

[Hope]

Oops, that was a funny typo... my name is Hope, not Hoe! And I meant to say understanding instead of understand. I guess I'm the one with the typing problems now! :p

[molly]

(Sorry, I'm posting late, but I just want to reiterate what others said.)

Totally understand. The first antidepressant (Zoloft) I went on did the job of taking away my anger, but it didn't give me anything in return. Numb was exactly the word I used. The doctors switched me over to Wellbutrin a few months later, and it was a miracle. I felt sunny, I felt like there were possibilities, and I felt like my head was cleared enough that I could think rationally about why I felt better and what I could do to keep it up. I went on and off with Wellbutrin for probably two years (I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, so I would always go back on in the fall), and I've been off it for almost four now.

Which I guess is my other point. This is my opinion based on personal experience, but I think your medicine should never change you. It should bring you to a point where you say, "Ah. This is me." Not "this is a better me" or "this is a less angry me." Because deep down, even through all the shit, you know who you really are and what you want to be. I think an antidepressant should clear your mind so that you fully understand what it takes to be yourself. That's how I weaned myself: taking baby steps towards finding out what was the best way to handle negative situations, how to stay upbeat, until I had practiced those things enough to control myself. Am I perfect now? Definitely not, I still have days where I just want to lie in bed and avoid everyone I know and sabotage all my hard work. However, years ago, that would have either been a real possibility or I would have laid in bed for days. Now, the longest it takes is a day and I can function again.

That turned into a long story about me. But, I just wanted to say that's all about trial and error. You will know when you've hit the right one.