Silly Little Girl

My exact thought process. Beware.

I need to write on my blog. Why do I keep a blog if I'm not going to write anything worthwhile?

I should just write the things I'm thinking. Christ, wouldn't that be scary. Those people do not need to know how fucked up I am.

How bad would it be if I admitted I was totally scared that I'm making the wrong choice? Is it too late to change my mind? I only want to change my mind because my colleagues were nice to me today.

I wish I didn't always change my mind.

Writing exactly what I'm thinking is hard. My mind is trained to automatically self edit and that doesn't seem honest.

I hope I like teaching. I hope it likes me. I wish I could still go to the gym down here, but what if I ran into Andy?

I feel really bad about what I'm doing to Andy. Doesn't matter, he's leaving anyway.

This cough medicine is making me stupid. I need more.

Remember the days when it took way more than half a bottle of guafinesin and condeine to fuck me up? Weren't those stupid days.

I wish I was hungry, then I'd have something to do.

I was so wrong about Tiffany.

Which brings me to my fully self-edited, not so real-time thinking process that whoa dudes! I was so wrong about the girl at my work that I hated. No, not that one! Not the other one that I was totally wrong about! The loud-breathing one!

How stupid am I? You'd think by now I'd learn to give people a chance. I had to, in good conscience, confess my leave to Tiffany this week so she wouldn't be totally smacked in the face with it. In doing so, I totally made a friend, and today she took me out to lunch as a "good-bye meal" type of thing. How nice is that? GODDAMNIT, SELF, STOP BEING SUCH A JUDGMENTAL ASSHOLE. Maybe I'd have more friends here if I'd stop judging people. And then maybe I woulnd't want to leave.

Whoa. Epiphany.

Making a life-changing decision that you can't take back is like standing on the precipice of an enormous cliff. The path that led you there has caved and closed - it's no longer an option. Behind you lies greener grass, happier days, a path of tranquility and peace and puppies and bunnies and whatever else signifies comfort and happiness. However, below you lies an endless drop...the decline of your lifestyle, your relationships, your world. The wind is whipping around you, pushing you, pulling you, all at once against you and apart of you. Which way will your new choice lead you? Will you walk the greener path? Or will you fall?

Because I needed to do something on Friday, I left work early. This all but guarantees I'll be let go on Monday. Knowing this, and knowing I'm nearing the end of the best job I've had to date is scaring the holy bejesus out of me. I know I made a choice and I am comfortable with it, but with such a new life looming in front of me, and reminders that nothing ever works as planned around every corner, I'm scared.

My fear, however, is of the exhilarated variety. The kind you get when you're ascending the hill of a rollercoaster, wondering whether your stomach can handle the drop. The kind that's both scary and exciting. First date scary, new school scary...it's all about firsts and beginnings, isn't it? This could be the beginning of an entirely new life, a new me, and boy is that nerve-wracking.

Anyone else out there have a hard time dealing with brand new things? How do you deal?

Soliciting

Any body with some mad design skillz want to make a new banner for me? I'll pay you in kisses and cookies.

Hot for Teacher

Nik and I discussed the job situation ad nauseum. Here were the options:

Quest Labs - overnight shift (7-3:30am), the ability to go to school full time during the day, no daycare for Donovan (which is both a pro and a con), a shorter commute. 2/3 of my pay now.

School - Day shift, more flexible schedule, back to night classes 50% discount on Donovan's tuition, same commute as my current job. The knowledge that I'm making a difference every day, the chance to try something new and get outside my experience now. Also only 2/3 of my pay now.

In the end, we initially decided I'd take Quest. School has to be the number one priority for both of us right now, and Quest seemed like it would allow the most freedom as far as classes.

Then, Nik took a look at his own school schedule, and realized that if I took Quest, we'd be without anyone to watch Donovan four nights a week. The tides had turned.

So now I'm waiting to call the director of the school to accept the position she offered me. I am thrilled beyond measure. Last night, around 10pm when we made the decision, I was so excited I couldn't sit still.

I feel so good about this. I'm only slightly nervous about the big pay cut. The ability to learn more about myself and broaden my horizons has made me ok with tightening my financial belt a bit. I'm quitting smoking, cutting off (not back, totally off) my spending habits, and making this possible because I feel that it's the best thing for me, and my family right now. I'll be able to bring Donovan to work with me every day, and I'm thrilled about that.

For right now, right this second, things are good, and that's all I need.