Roughly 40lbs of Chinese food in two weeks: $40
Three bottles of soy sauce in three days: $9
12lbs gained in one month: my self-esteem
A "Glow": courtesy of pregnancy, or $40 for Smashbox foundation
A solid week of uncontrollable gas: my dignity
Two solid days of nearly hourly puking: a number of costs.
4 Pregnancy tests: $36
4 negatives: Priceless, and yet, what the fuck?
Seriously, what's happening here folks? Two months ago I fucked up my birth control pill schedule and skipped a period. I took a number of pregnancy tests, and they all came back negative. Yet I had the lower back pain and citrus cravings that came with my previous pregnancy. So I made a call to the doctor, and they had me in quick-fast for a blood test to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. All negative, all well. Fast forward.
Two weeks ago, I started spotting, right on time. I went through my ritual of making sure my granny panties were ready to go and bought my monthly box of Tampax, but lo and behold, spotting turned to nothing. In a matter of hours. Two days go by. Nothing. Two more days, nothing. So on and so forth until I'm a full week and a half past when I should have gotten my period. Also, hello FAT. I wasn't any skinny minny before this, but I'd clearly put on a decent bit of weight very recently. So, off to CVS I went to pick up the first of many peesticks. Negative. Whew. I felt relieved and figured I was just running late.
Then I went to reorder my pill pack, and noticed that Saturday's pill, the last of the active pills was left. Except, I distinctly remember taking Saturday's pill. Oh shit...I'd been behind a day for how long? No fucking idea. So, another trip and two more peesticks later, I was still staring at a negative.
Again, I felt some relief. It was short-lived, however, when I woke up the next morning and promptly emptied my guts into the toilet. For the first of 6 times that day. Two days later, it was the same deal. The remainder of my days has been filled with periodic nausea and blinding exhaustion. And yet, one more test later, STILL negative.
So really, what the hell is going on? I'm craving Chinese like it's going out of style, pouring soy sauce on everything, regretting it moments after I finish eating, and repeating the same pattern hours later. Moreover, after much mashing and tweaking, it's definite that my boobs are getting enlarged and sore.
Am I crazy? I feel like I'm having some type of psychosomatic pregnancy, except don't you actually have to WANT a pregnancy to have one of those? Believe me, another little mouth, no matter how squishy, is the last thing I need around here. Not for another few years, anyway.
Anyone experience shit like this before?