Cycle of Madness

I took my son to the beach for the first time yesterday. We ventured down to Nik's parent's house in Jersey, swam for a while in their development, and then hit the beach and boardwalk in Ocean City for a few hours.

There were so many wonderful moments of that day....so many firsts, and so much delight in seeing my son enjoy himself so much.

But what do I mostly remember? Mostly, I remember taking out my venom on my 5-year-old son because I was frustrated and upset and insecure. Mostly, I remember picking fights with my boyfriend because I couldn't be bothered to control any of the rage and doubt swirling in my own head. Mostly I remember ruining what could have been a perfect day.

And that is what MOSTLY what I remember these days. Times that could have been spent cuddling or playing and enjoying that were ruined by my plethora of issues and problems...my madness.

I am overwhelmed, and I'm stretching the limits of my sanity as far as they will go, and at a great cost.

It's been pointed out to me that I only have this problem at home. I do not lose control at my job. I do not lose control with my friends. Even my mother, who stretches my patience to unimaginable limits, does not see the worst of me. So, naturally, Nik has assumed that I choose not to treat him kindly and with patience. That I choose to stretch the limits of our relationship on a daily basis. I cannot blame him for this, nor can I explain why it is this way.

My best guess, and that is not worth much right now, is that with no one else do I feel so vulnerable. I am not afraid that my boss will hurt me. I am not afraid that my mother will walk out of my life. My friends are not privy to the deepest, darkest parts of me. With those people, I do not constantly run the cycle of "does he love me? will he leave me? Of course he'll leave me..."

And cycle it is. I can break it down into breathtakingly simple parts - someone along the way I started to hurt. So I hurt other people. Then I regretted hurting other people. Then my regret made me feel so much worse, so I hurt more. And I hurt other people more. And so the cycle continues, and here I am a good 10 years later, no better, no smarter, but with so much more to lose.

I read something today that I related to so clearly that it felt like a smack in the face. "My tumor left me disfigured. He loved me anyway. It was my insecurities that drove him away."

I am so flawed. Physically, emotionally, mentally...and he loves me anyway. And if I lose him, it won't be because I wasn't perfect, or because I wasn't pretty or thin or because I didn't have the best job...it will be because I couldn't get my shit together enough to love myself so that I could accept that he loved me.

I am tired of ruining things. I am tired of regretting all my decisions. I am tired of the venom that comes out of my mouth. I'm tired of my son looking at me with adoration and unending forgiveness, and knowing that I did nothing to earn it. I'm tired of hearing my boyfriend say "I love you" and knowing that I didn't earn that either...and secretly wondering what it will take to make it go away.

I want to be better, I want to find ways to work with myself, understand more and worry less. I want to be ok with who I am, and know that I deserve to have people love me. I have no fucking idea where to start, but I want to keep my eyes open to figure it out.

Comments

[theresa]

keep your eyes open; buy new glasses.

------

learn to hesitate.

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[Sara]

People do leave because their partners don't feel they deserve love. My great love affair was with a man so flawed, yet so perfect, yet so, so broken. I kept thinking "If I just love him MORE than everything will be okay. I'm normal enough for BOTH of us." And in the end his hatred for himself proved greater than my love for him and I had to leave.

See a counselor. It could really help you. I wish he had.