Remember when I didn't suck?

Feeling nostalgic today, I hit up a bunch of old friends for a hot round of "Remember when?"

I'd planned to detail my remembrances here, I even typed out a few before I got backspace happy. However, they're all silly and stupid, and essentially moot. Also, destructive. I talked to a few people I shouldn't have, friends and relationships I have no business reminiscing about. Bad decisions that seemed fun at the time, stuff that ended up hurting in memory years later. They still hurt to think of now, but it seemed this morning that it was better than contemplating the future.

I'm getting married in two months. I'm having another baby in six. Most of the time, I'm thrilled about these things. I've been with Nik for four years, and though it was a rocky, hard road, I'm grateful we toughed out the bad times and ended up where we are today. Though I wasn't exactly ready, I always knew I wanted to give him a child. As everyone knows, life has  a way of turning and twisting at the most seemingly inopportune times, and then eventually giving way to fortuitous glory. I don't doubt that everything will be fine, great, even. But that doesn't really stop me from being absolutely terrified.

I've avoided this website for a while because my ramblings have a tendency to reach unintended eyes and ears. I hate having to second guess what I write, wondering who will hear it and how it will affect them. But if I don't chronicle this here, it may just eat my brain. That's what happens when you have a small social circle, you have to turn to the internet for validation and a listening ear.

My fear has a lot to do with my current "condition." Not pregnancy, mind you. My mental condition. I'm off my medication, not in therapy, surrounded by people who are growing increasingly weary of my attitude. Not that I blame them - I'm exceedingly difficult to deal with right now, moody and irrational, insecure and needy. I keep reaching out for validation and coming up empty. Not because it's not there, but because I can't see it. Every answer is followed by another question. Stupid, insecure, non-issue questions, but questions that are taking over my brain.

"Do you love me?" - "Yes." - "But do you love me as much as you loved HER?"

"Am I doing ok?" - "Of course." - "But I am doing as good a job as I used to?"

"Am I pretty?" - "Yes." - "But am I as pretty as HER?"

"Am I smart?" - "Yes." - "Then why do I feel so fucking stupid?"

Writing it out like that, I see how ludicrous it is. I KNOW, MAN, I KNOW. But knowing something and feeling it are two different animals. I KNOW my boyfriend loves me, I KNOW he wouldn't betray me, I KNOW I'm good at my job, I KNOW I'm a good mom.

But..you know.

I FEEL like why in the hell would anyone ever love me? I FEEL like dude, I would cheat on me if I were him, I suck and I didn't live up to my part of this relationship. I FEEL like I suck at my job, and I FEEL like I am permanently fucking up my kid by existing. And now I FEEL like I need to shut the fuck up, stop bitching, and give an update about shit people might care about.

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JOB: All my bitching there is because I got promoted. Totally cause for bitching, right? My own fancy office with a WINDOW, new responsibilities, etc. etc. The only glitch? I do not have a damn clue what I'm doing, and I may end up accidentally suing the President or something. Which, in theory, doesn't sound all that unappealing. Defamation of this country's character, I think. Because of you, the rest of the world thinks we're all giant, illiterate assholes. Pay up, fucker.

WEDDING: I caved and just ordered invitations online, despite all my lofty assertions that I was going to do 'em myself! I am RESOURCEFUL and THRIFTY. Turns out, I'm just lazy. They should be delivered today, and I fully intend to hijack people with better handwriting than me to address them.

BABY: I am 12 weeks pregnant right now. At the risk of internet mutiny and cries of "TWINS", I will post a photo of the belly. It is covered, and shall remain so in any other pictures that end up on here, because I'm still hanging onto remnants of my last pregnancy, i.e. STRETCH MARKS AHHH DIE.

Granted, I wasn't all that skinny to begin with, but I certainly didn't have the protruding nonsense that's going on now.

I have my first officiall Dr's appt in two weeks, and don't even get me started on why it's so damn late. Insurance, shitty office practices, and a professional may have actually said that "it's not really that important that you see a doctor anyway."

And that concludes the post that will probably eat the internet due to it's suckage, please join us next time for a live webcast of me losing my shit. For like the fifth time that day. I figure that's the next step in showing the internet how fucking insane I am, right?

Comments

[TiA]

Oh you lovely pregnant thing, you. Honey you sound like a perfectly normal, neurotic, pregnant-bout-to-be-married-oh-my-god-what-am-I-doing!- mom. Dude, do you realize in less than a year you're accomplishing TWO major life changes? Ususally the wedding is enough to break the most stable woman down to a quivering mass of jello.And working full time? AND being a mom already? You're supposed to be a bitch. You're supposed to be neurotic. EVERYONE is babe. That's why men deserve a medal of honor for putting up with us during pregnancy.

And stretch marks? If you want I'll send you a pic of me preggers with my 2nd and whoa baby... Consider them a badge of honor. Battle scars... at least that's what I'm still trying to convince myself, ha.

You'll be fine honey. You got lots of friends you don't even know (like me!) that are cheering you on, praying for you and waiting for updates (about damned time!).

PS - the belly is adorable. I'm sure you already know you balloon super fast with your second kid.