I have to throw this right out there - this post is going to be ALL over the place.
I pretty much stopped writing because I came down with some type of flighty, temporary case of massive ADD. Every time I'd sit down to compose a post in my head, something would change. The world, the election, the economy, my job, my life, my pregnancy - and a new post would start to form around that. Over the last six or seven weeks, that's made for about 25 different, partially formed ideas.
But it bothers me when I don't write. I've been writing in some form since I was about 12, and going for long periods without doing so (I refuse to count the bullshit legal writing I do at work, because drafting a letter to a judge and a bank about why they should let me take money out of someone's account doesn't really do it for me. A lot of it may be fiction, but it still fucking sucks) always makes me a little jittery. I find my thought process is more organized when I'm writing things down. Random as they may seem to you, it makes a kind of a sense to me, and it helps me keep my shit together. So consider this entry kind of a purge of all the bullshit floundering inside my skull, so maybe I can start clean and get myself back on track.
To pretend that this post has any kind of coherence, I'm going to number the plethora of random ideas in my skull. Lists are organized, yo. Lists make you look smart.
1. John McCain. Although it's been said so much better and more eloquently than I could ever phrase it both here and here, I'm going to try to tackle it myself, too.
I'm going to leave the air quotes around the word "health" to the professionals. Anyone with a modicum of intellect and compassion sees the blatant dismissiveness and condescension toward women in that statement. If you don't agree, go read a foxnews.com blog or something. I shouldn't have to tell you that that right there? That "health" issue? Is fucking bullshit.
What kills me, and I know this seems like small potatoes in the big scheme of the issue, is the propaganda surrounding the entire argument. Specifically, the term "pro-life."
Yo. Listen. You're not pro-life, ok? You're anti-choice. "Pro-life" is a right-wing Christian term designed to install fear and intolerance. When we're talking about issues, we have to assume that each faction has its opposite. Logically, the opposite of the term "pro-life" would be "anti-life." Jesus. NO ONE is anti-life. It's not like there's all these crazy fucking liberal hippies running around with banners and signs screaming 'CHOOSE DEATH. WE HATE LIFE. WE HATE THAT YOU'RE ALIVE, THAT WE'RE ALIVE, THAT ANYONE WAS EVER ALIVE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE. WE'D ALL BE BETTER OFF IF THERE WAS NO LIFE." It kills me that deliberate political misinformation and propaganda is par for the course, and that so many people still buy into it.
I watched the debate on CNN. If you did, too, you know that they run a live, real time response meter of Ohio undecided voters. Nik noticed that during McCain's rant, the approval rating of women raised higher than the men's. Nik wondered aloud why that was, assuming that women would be more intolerant of the possibility of their choice being taken from them. I told him that I knew exactly why that is. We didn't discuss it further, but I thought about it for a long time afterward, and had we continued to muse on it, this is what I would have told him.
Any woman who has ever been pregnant or attempted to get pregnant with the intention of maintaining the pregnancy knows that at its best, the act of growing and carrying a child is nothing short of miraculous. The reality is that men will never fully understand exactly what it's like, so on some levels, the issue of choice is less personal. So I understand that for a woman who has never faced the horrifying situation of choosing between the mortality of your children or yourself, it can be just short of incomprehensible to willingly terminate a pregnancy. I cannot hold this against any woman. I understand.
What I do NOT understand, however, is using that as a sole basis of supporting the efforts to ban women from choosing what to do with their bodies. In my opinion, one of the biggest flaws of this culture, or possibly of human nature in its entirety, is the notion that we can know with certainty exactly what we'd do in a certain situation. How can you, having never faced an unplanned pregnancy or a decision regarding your ability to CONTINUE LIVING, and know exactly what you'd do? You can't. Scary as the unknown may be, you have to own up to the reality that you will never truly know every aspect of yourself. Unless you encounter every possible experience that life has to offer, you will never know exactly how you will think, feel and act in the face of all of those experiences. Believing that you can or do is a surefire invitation for life to fucking punch you in the face.
As far as politics goes, that is all for now.
2. My life. My life has gotten exponentially better since my wedding, for a number of reasons that it would bore you to detail here. There are still some roadblocks, though. After a series of financial missteps, Nik and I keep being forced to face the reality of one huge issue - we're having a really hard time changing our lifestyle.
Our attitudes are ones of good intentions but poor follow through. We plan to save money, but in one suggesting of an outing for dinner, that goes out the window. We plan to keep our house cleaner, but each day there's a reason to put off taking the trash out to the next. We plan and plan and plan but never follow through. And while we grow increasingly sick of it, we seem to be at a stalemate.
It's funny. We come from such incredibly different backgrounds. I was raised by a woman who, through her own actions AND by what she preached, taught me that I rarely have to take responsibility for my own actions. I was taught to tell myself that the consequences of my decisions are so far down the road there's no point in worrying about them now. I'm lucky, though. At 22, I recognize this, and I try to make a conscious decision to do the OPPOSITE of every my mom did. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I'm trying. At 51, my mom is still living this lifestyle, and believe me, she's got all the inglorious trappings to show for it.
Nik, however, was raised by two parents who are the picture of hard work and responsibility. They were born from little more than what my mom was, but where she gave up, they pushed harder. Nik was taught to never procrastinate, never act without thinking, never assume your actions won't have consequences. Always clean up your own mess, always think of the future.
And yet, here we are. Two adults who procrastinate, act without thinking, and believe that maybe, just maybe, this time, our missteps and poor choices won't catch up with us.
I'm sure we're not the only ones. I'm positive that there are many that were in the same position as us, (what we're mainly dealing with is fiscal and domestic irresponsibility - a bad checking account and a filthy house) so I'd love to hear what you did to change your ways. Small and large steps you took to correct your behavior. I'm all for the whole "fake it till you make it" kind of thing. I just need a little push to figure out where the hell to start. Any tips?
*****
This is really just the tip of mental iceberg I've got going on, but I've already spent more time writing this than I should have (I swore to Christ when I got home that I'd take advantage of the babysitter I have this afternoon to get some cleaning done...HELP ME) so I've got to call it quits here. Feel free to chime in with your own rants about the debate and I seriously would really like to hear your suggestions on growing the hell up, already.
I feel you on the writing part. I get crazy when I don't write regularly. Since having my son (almost 11 months old) I haven't been writing as much. Too busy. But most of the time I NEED it to think things through and to sift things. Also, to get the unnecessary items out of my head. A purge, if you will.
I was married before and my ex was always spending our money on food, cds, movies, everything but our bills. It took a long time for me to dig out of that mess, to get my credit back in order. Getting out of a financial mess takes time. It won't be easy and it won't be quick. But it CAN be done.
Gather up all of your bills, add everything up and get a clear idea of what money is going out and what is coming in. Set up a reasonable budget and then stick to it. If you can't go without eating out, then just limit it to once a week. That way you won't go crazy from feeling like you're depriving yourself.
It takes discipline. When one of you wants to go out, the other needs to say no. You both have to question EVERY expense and ask if it's something that you really need. Wait a week to see if the thing still interests you. You have to question every expense to see if it is going to help you towards your goal. Ask yourself if you're really being frugal.
There's so much more to say, but I've already written half a page. You can do it. Recognizing that you need to change things is a good place to start.
Posted by: becky | October 16, 2008 at 10:54 PM