Not bitter, just real.

I spent a few hours with an old girlfriend at the bar where my husband bartends part-time on weekends on Saturday. It was mostly nice, as it usually is when I see her. We mostly bullshitted about her life while Nik looked on and occasionally commented. The conversation du jour was finding her a man; she wanted to know about our "eligible" male friends.

I had to bite my tongue in anger several times during the conversation. Though I thought I was hiding it well, her plight made me viscerally angry at times, and I found myself wanting to shake her and scream "WAKE THE FUCK UP."

She's 23 years old. She graduated last May with a Bachelors from a nearby 4-year. She has an amazing job working with autistic children. She's currently waiting on acceptance to grad school, which I'm sure she'll receive. She has a wonderful life.

And she is so goddamn unhappy. Why? Because she's single. And I. Could. Not. Fathom. This.

I looked across the bar from her and felt seven different kinds of envy. She and I started off at the same place, made a lot of the same poor decisions, and yet here she is, with everything I wanted for myself by the time I got to be this age.

She looked at me and thought the same exact thing, because I ended up married, with the loving, funny husband and the beautiful children she so desperately wants for herself.

Like I said, I thought I was controlling my anger, but by the sound of Nik's sidelong comments during our exchange, it eventually hit me that I was letting my bitterness get the best of me, and it was certainly showing.

I tried to explain where I was coming from, but it was difficult.

I love my life. I am incredibly lucky to have one healthy, amazing, and unique child, with one on the way. I am incredibly fortunate to have Nik, who I love with the fire of a thousand suns. I thank God daily for my position in life, for the family I married into, for my ability to pay my bills and feed my kids and enjoy my friends and family.

But if I could go back and do things differently, I would. In a heartbeat.

....

Hmm. I had kind of hoped that writing it out like that would make it make more sense, but I guess it really didn't.

It's complicated, I can't pretend that it's not. I say that line, that "if I could go back" stuff, knowing that I can't. Knowing that this is where I am, and I can only go forward, and I'm happy about that. I am more than making the best of it, I am embracing it and loving it and making it better in every way that I can.

But the reality is, I could have done better. I could have given the children I had a better start in life. I could have waited, established myself, established a marriage FIRST, had a home that I owned, a career that I loved and was secure in, and my kids probably would have ended up better adjusted. We probably wouldn't have had to weather the things we weathered to get here.

But I also know that that's all speculation. To further complicate things, I can say in all honesty that if I HADN'T gotten pregnant or chosen to keep my son, I probably wouldn't be here now. I probably would have died somewhere, gotten myself killed, or maybe I'd have lucked out and just ended up in prison for several years. Whatever, I'm confident that becoming responsible for another human being was just about the only thing at the time that was going to make me change my path.

At any rate, the point is that, yes, I'm happy. Yes, I love my family and knowing that time only moves forward, not back, I wouldn't trade them for anything. But no, no, no. I will never tell you, my lonely friend, or you, idealistic 15 year old girl, that this is the right way to do things.

What I SHOULD have said to my friend, instead of bitterly discoursing on married and family life, was this: "I know I'm lucky, and I know what I have looks good, because it is. But there are thousands of miles of opportunities stretched out before you. Unimpeded roads to success that aren't there for me anymore, not in the clearly defined way they are for you. Find yourself and your own happiness first, because it's a lot harder to do when you have to do it for other people first. We're both lucky, honey. Everything you have is still there for me if I want it bad enough, and everything I have is still there for you, and will be for a looong time."

Comments

[Hope]

So well said! It's also sometimes good to remember that wanting a husband (or even a steady BF) can sometimes make it loads harder if your desire is palpable. It can come off as desperation and that tends to be a turnoff. I didn't meet K until I chilled the fuck out. :p

[Angela]

If I could go back and have a come to Jesus with my 23-year-old self, I'd hope (against hope) my younger self was as self-aware as you. I'm impressed you see both sides of the coin.

I believe there is still a tremendous amount of social pressure for otherwise successful women to marry shortly after college. (Or in their early-mid 20's.) There was for me. I married at 32 to a man I adore, but was condescendingly referred to as a "late bloomer." WTF? My sister gets married at 18 (engaged, but not pregnant, at 16) and that's considered something to be heralded? Under what rock?

My husband's father, on the other hand, told him that he should spend his 20's getting his career together, having fun with his friends, and buying his one "splurge" car - among other things - so that when he married, he wouldn't always wonder what those things/experiences were like. And that's precisely what he spent his 20's doing, while I spent mine miserable because I wasn't married. (Oh, if I could smack younger me around!)

We all have different paths in life to walk - and crosses to bear - but that social/self-imposed expectation that young women "should" be married is a grave injustice to them. Please tell your friend to put off marriage, categorically, until she's at least 29 and have fun now.

[Louisa]

Gosh great post! I am 27, married for just over 3 years and with an 8month old. When I was 21 a I thought I was on the shelf. When I got married at 24 I thought I was soooo old. Now I think, WOW I was young. It's just a shame I didn't realise it then and that I wasted so much time feeling anxious about getting married!