Silly Little Girl

Is it spectacularly cruel that this will never stop being funny to me?

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us."

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.”

I am so goddamn frustrated. I am furious with myself...for being furious. For allowing anger and spite to let me believe that estrangement from my family was ok. Justified, righteous, even. I feel like my grief and grudges have finally turned-tail and smacked me right in the face.

I turned my back on my family in the wake of what were then grievous mistakes. I ostracized my aunts and uncles and cousins, even my own mother, from my life. Now someone is dead, others are sick, and the damage might be so deep that it's too late. How easily it all could have been solved if one person, just one was willing to bend at the right second. Was willing to flex to accomodate someone else, just that one time. How much could have been prevented if someone, me, anyone, had just said "I'm sorry"?

I feel horribly alone. My heart aches because I want to be with my family. Until my apologies are heard, though, and maybe not even then, that's not possible. I feel small and sad and scared, all over again. The fact that this heartache is 50% grief and 50% guilt is all the worse, because I can only turn it inward. I am sorry, so, so, so, so fucking sorry.

The one where I still don't make sense

Because I can't seem to get my head together enough to create a genuine post with like, a theme and transitional sentences and shit, I'm just going to make a list of random and wholly unrelated ideas and events.

1. Christmas is coming, and I am thrilled, because I am nine. I'm insanely in possession of the Christmas spirit this year, and the fact that my house is still not decorated is killing my soul, a little bit.

2. Lauren and I have a date tomorrow night. With each other. But not in a touch-my-boobs kind of way. We're going to drink spirits and watch movies and talk about how boys suck. Except not really, because that would make us 15. Except yes, really, because we're 15.

3. I still hate this girl at my work, with her loud breathing and bad music and idiocy. I want to scratch her big stupid face off.

4. I borrowed Alicia Keys' new album from my son's father's girlfriend, and I must say -  though the other 12 or so tracks leave much to be desired (in my mind) there are two killer tracks. "No One" is, of course, her hit single, and it's a hit for a reason. I like it - it's catchy and classic. However, "Go Ahead" blows it out of the park. I can't remember the last time a song came out in my lifetime that I thought was completely timeless. This song is amazing. The beat is one you can't help but move to, but it's classic. Part of it reminds me of a throwback to Aretha and Patty LaBelle, but there's definitely a newness to it. I would recommend buying the CD just for this song, but I'm sure you can download it somewhere.

5. I cleaned my ring yesterday. Goddamn is it sparkling now.

6. I need to write a FAQ. But it will be a sham, because it's not like anyone actually asks me questions. Ask me questions, you bastards!

7. I can't wait to go home and play video games.

8. I can't wait until midnight, when my paycheck clears.

9. Did I tell ya'll that I skipped that job interview I had last Friday? Well, I did. So there.

10. Lists are hard.

11. I still love Herbert.

12. I realized today that no matter how early you get up, or how well you prepare, there is no quick way to hustle a cranky four year old out the door at 5 in the morning.

13. Mmm, beef stew.

14. Ewww, beef curtains.

15. Word association is fun.

16. My head is all with the achey, for no reason. Stupid head!

17. I love Harry Potter so much.

18. I wish Nik loved Harry Potter so much. Bastard.

19. I wish more people liked me at my job.

20. They probably would if I was a nicer girl.

21. This sucks. I'm done.

Butterscotch Furreal Pony, aka POS your kid will hate by January

I mentioned the other day over here in the comments that when I was little, I hated Christmas. Not so much in the real early years, but after I was 9 it all went downhill. My grandfather died on Thanksgiving that year, my mom was a drug addict, blah blah blah family drama insert feel-bad-for-me story here. The point is, after that Christmas just felt like a total sham, and its interruption of my daily teenage angst was totally inconvenient. However, since my son has become old enough to understand the whole Santa schtick, it's become pretty exciting for me.

I think I've mentioned some of my son's odd...um...orientations, before. The most prevelant of these during this time of year is a deep and loving affinity for "girl toys." It doesn't help that his best friend is a girl, Lauren's daughter.

This year, the "IT" toy for girls is one that both Donovan and Layna have been salivating over since Halloween. This piece of shit:

This is Butterscotch Furreal Pony. It's a cute little lifelike looking pony that whinnies and neighs and like, nuzzles you and shit when you touch it. Sure, it's kind of neat that it cocks its head all lovingly when you speak to it, and I guess the whole touch-response aspect is neat, but does that really justify its $250 price tag? You heard me right, folks. Two hundred and fifty REAL DOLLARS.

I'm sorry, but that's a whole big lump of BULLSHIT. I've read all across the internet about this thing, and as far as I can tell it neither: cooks dinner for five, can move you from point A to point B, or counts as proof of financial responsibility for a vehicle in Pennsylvania. So the $250 that this thing costs (which is exactly what examples 2 and 3 cost me per month) just sounds like a whole lot of old-fashioned highway robbery to me.

Indulge me for a minute in a little "in the good ol' days" schpiel. When I was a kid, the "IT" toys never cost more than like $50. When I was little, my Christmas was filled with Go-Go My Walking Pups, Pound Puppies, Talkboys, etc. All good quality, cheap made in China toys. Kids are fucking spoiled these days.

The only thing that truly bothers me about this pony is that my son fully believes that Santa is going to bring him one. Matters are not helped by the fact that as soon as Layna expressed interest in it, Lauren bought her one to put under the tree. Far be it for me to tell people how to spend their money, it just sucks cuz Donovan is bound to feel gypped somehow. But, even if I had $250 to throw around on some bullshit toy, I wouldn't. I think it's stupid and unrealistic to spend so much on something that your kid won't even remember exists past Valentine's Day. I know there were a few years where my mom spent $1,000+ on Christmas for me, and you know what? That knowledge doesn't bring back any warm and fuzzy memories for me, it just makes me remember that one of the reasons she was a lousy parent was because she was really shitty with money.

Some of the people I've discussed this with wholeheartedly agree with me, some think I'm a mean old Grinch, and c'mon bitch! It's Christmas! What do you think?